(It's Over)^2

So its time for an update...

On March 12, 2010, my grandma passed away. It was a tough ordeal. My great aunt, my grandma's sister, got in from England hours before she passed. On that Thursday, it was bad but everyone thought she would make it to the next day, in which I would be in Chicago by 7:30am. She did not. I was the only one not there for what they call the moment. There are two points of view on this obviously...to be there or not. Considering it was only grandma and I there when grandpa went, I'm ok with missing this moment. I know how it went. Watching people die is not something I want to get good at.

So after death comes the service. We had it on the Sunday even though it was a short few days, it would give more people to come compared to a weekday. It was a nice service. Again, I gave a euolgy...not something I want to get good at, but for some reason, I am. It was very difficult. I had to do it. No one else could. I'm not going to lie; I kind of enjoy those tough times and challenges where it is up to "Bobby" to pull through, although this is not the ideal challenge.

So after the funeral comes dealing with the estate. Guess who is in charge? Yes, Bobby...Bobby is the one...Bobby can handle it all. The truth is, yes I can. I can put my petty issues on the side for things more important than myself. I find it easier to deal with other people's problems simple because you don't have your own emotions wrapped in the problem. Just saying. One thing I will say is I am grateful for all the people who came.

I spent 6 days total at home. That's the most I've been home in one time span since my grandpa was sick (2.25 yrs ago).

On Thursday, I arranged a ride back up to the burbs to check on my apt and see Rachel. As usual, it was good to see her but things were different this time. For one, I knew she was kind of seeing someone. No big deal I thought, she usually goes out with a guy once or twice and that's it. When my ride dropped me off she wasn't there because she was off somewhere with this guy. I went for a walk and sat in the park waiting for her to tell me she's back.

We went and saw copout. It was ok but I wanted to see the brooklyn movie, whatever it is called.

We got back and went inside to talk. We were in her bedroom when she went to the bathroom. While she was in there, I made her bed like I do every time I go over there. I can't deal with a messy bed. This stems from my grandma making my bed for me every time I stayed the night and making sure my bed was made when she came over. Anyway, while I was making the bed, I noticed a men's watch on the other side of the bed on the night stand. Talk about a dagger...my heart was done for right then and there. I knew there was no future with Rachel. I realized right then and there that it was "time" to wake up and smell the roses...all because of that watch (what irony). Rachel gave me a ride home against my will (I wanted to walk). The whole time thinking what the fuck am I doing. When we got to my place she told me I looked sad...no shit. I told here I thought she was a special person and asked her if she knew I would do anything for her. She understood. I gave her a hug debating or not if I should ever contact her again.

That night, sitting alone in my buffalo grove apt, thinking about all kinds of stuff, I realized that I don't want to be alone, but also know I won't be "not alone" with Rachel.

I got on the 6am flight the next day back to Philly. I paid my $157.00 parking expense and spent the rest of the day getting my knee checked out and going for a bike ride. I bet I rode around 30 miles. It was such a nice day.

Yesterday I worked out, played basketball and grilled out with the roommates. It was good bonding time. I was pretty tired from all the exercise and proceeded to watch Forrest Gump, my most favorite movie.

It was upon watching this movie I had a few revelations. It was surprising how much Forrest and Jenny's relationship was similar to Rachel's and mine. I'm always going to be there for her. I am going to write to her like I d now in the future and just like Forrest, one day I might get a response. Rachel and Jenny are free spirits. Forrest and I may be stupid but we know what love is. Would I like to see Rachel again, I think so. I'm going to leave it up to her when the next time is. I'll be home for easter and the weekend after easter. I'll write to her and let her know, but I don't expect a response. She will always be in my heart and I will always be there for her, but I will let her go and come as she pleases.

So how to deal with all this...easy...no more plans. This way, I can't get mad when plans fail because there is no plan. I have one goal for today and that is to do my taxes. That's it. So far, I've been outside blogging and enjoying what is now my third cup of coffee outside. Its really nice out here. I'm going to take it one day at a time. No pressure, no worries. I'm 25. I have 5 more years to decide what I want to do when I grow up. If I think I'll end up alone, I won't because I will go live with Ross or Joel. Someone will take me because I can pay rent and they love me.

Some other things I would like to document at this time:

My brother finally got a job. Its not great but at least he's working. Maybe someday he can pay back all the money he owes big buck Bob.

I might have a second date with Haley. Haley is someone who I met online and had a pretty good first date. She returns my calls and texts. If a woman does that, she is a winner in my book. She is really nice. She is a chemist. I love chemistry. We're nerds. She is pretty. I am keeping expectations low. Stay tuned.

This week I have my review with my boss.

My flight is booked for Vegas. It's going to be awesome. That's all I will say for now.

The reason I blog is because I want to look back years from now and see what I was doing. My grandma told me to do it and I do whatever she tells me. I don't blog so my 3 followers and the anonymous fourth (I know you) can see my dirty laundry. If my family read this, I think I would not blog in so much detail.

Mrs. Amy Dixon, thank you for reading my blog. When are you going to post again?

Later,

Bobby

PS:

1. In the past few weeks, I have had zero desire to drink. I had three beers this weekend and that's it. I think this is impressive.

2. We don't have special relationships. We have relationships with special people. That's what I think anyway.

Today is the day

Right now, I am on the road. I just passed Sandusky Ohio. I'm driving back for what may be the last time I get to see my grandma. She's not supposed to have much longer to go.

If ypu look back at my previous blogs, this has been going on for a few months now. I don't mean this in a bad way, but I want it to be over. I want the suffering to be done.

The reason to drive instaed of flying had to do with money. I have no idea when I'm going back to PA so this was the best way to have control of my ability to get back on my terms.

Last night was brutal due to the weather. Driving 40 mph in the snow at night was not fun. I should have stopped earllier but I didn't. I want to get through PA which I did. Now, I'm going 80 on 80, listening to some Louis Armstrong. He's a cool cat.

I did completely move into my new temporary home. Its working out ok except I have a 45 min drive for 20 miles. Its sad, but I'm hoping that the weekend fun is worth it.

I signed up for the cincinatti and chicago marathons even though I have a knee injury. I can bike, do the elipical, but it kills to run. I'm thinking I'm going to the doctor to make sure I don't have a seriouis issue. I need to run. I love to run.

Work is going good I guess. My boss tells me I'm doing a good job, but I'm bored mentally. The main thing for me is learning how to lead people in kaizen. As I branch out into different groups I take it easy in the first kaizen so I can get to know them.

I'm still chasing her. I sent her flowers for v-day and saw her last time I was home. I'm hoping I can see her sometime in the next 8 days. Someday she's going to realize she passed up the best thing that ever happened to her. Someday I hope I realize I'm an idot for chsing her for so long. Its weird how unpredictable the future is. I'm still looking but haven't found anyone quite like her. Listen ladies, things would be a lot easier if you would decide one way or another. Guys are some of the dumbest animals alive. You already know this.

Eric, one of my bff's still in college, finally got a job offer. I'm very happy for him.

Ross and I are going to Vegas sometime in April. Its been something we've been talking about for over a year and now is the time to do it. We don't want to have any regrets and 5 years from now say "we should have gone to Vegas".

This is life of me. Working, doing a good job...watching my grandma die and planning to go to Vegas. I can't wait until some things work themselves out. I want things to be simpler. Work, workouit, and go on adventures. That's what I want. "You can't always get what you want..."

280 miles left to go...80 on 80.

I'm ok. My world is a lot better than most. I'll survive this ordeal, but things will be different once gma is gone. She's my hero. I just have to keep going, do what she would tell me to do. Even once she's gone, she still be with me.

With all this going on, I've not been drinking much. This is good. I need to focus on other things besides PBR and shots. This will get easier as it gets warmer.

So that is everything basically. I didn't win the megamillions last night. I'm going to keep playing til I do.

Later,

Bobby

Let's talk

Here's what's going down:

First and foremost, we have to talk about last weekend. I went to Atlantic City (AC) with someone from work. I had a great time. I can't describe on here how great I felt gambling, dancing, and getting drunk.

The night started out slow. I hit up the blackjack table where I was playing for 15 bucks per hand and then they raised it to 25 min bet. I thought this was steep but I was in AC on a Saturday night. The guys next to me quickly realized I was a rookie and it was in their best interest. I learned a lot and I was up as much as 350 at the peak. In less than an hour from that time, I was down 300 bucks. Ouch is right. I couldn't believe that I did this. Maybe the free drinks had something to do about it.

After I lost my $$, we went in the club. It was amazing inside. It was really nice and there were a lot of very good looking ladies. I knew I hit the jackpot here...who cares about the tables lol! I quickly hit the dance floor and all I am going to say is I had a great time.

It was 1Am or 2Am when we decided to leave the club. My buddy was a little too tipsy to drive so I had the great idea to go to the roulette table. I took 300 out of the ATM and placed it all on red. I won...it was the best ending of the night we could hope for.

Also, this weekend, I hurt my leg running. I woke up on Saturday morning and my leg felt a little funny, but I decided to run anyway. Big mistake. It hurts to walk right now.

I also moved 2 carloads of stuff into my new place. I have a lot more to move and have to find someone to help me move my bed and dresser. I am going to try to do it this weekend.

I booked my next flight to Chicago already. Valentines Day weekend I will be home. It's going to be interesting. I have a plan and will tell you how it goes later.

Next week I am going down to UIUC to recruit. We haven't received a lot of resumes so I am worried about how it is going to go.

What else.....

I am rooting for the Saints this weekend. I learned to play Rummy over the weekend.

I can't think of anything else to say. If I do, I will let you know.

Later,

Bobby

Bloggin from the Hospital: Part 2

So....

It's been a few weeks since my last post so I'll try to summarize:

Work is going pretty good. I have been really busy and making things happen is part of my job.

I finally met a couple of young people who I have been hanging out with. It's been good. I met this guy name Nick who doesn't drink. I find this odd, but I think it's a good thing.

I am moving in February to a new place where two engineers live. I think it will be good because I am getting into a little too much trouble where I am currently at. The location is going to be better but now I will have a commute to work. Right now, I can get to work in less than 10 minutes.

I am going to change my life schedule. I want to start working out before work than after work. This means I need to figure out how to get up at 3:45 am to go work out like I want to and then go to work. This may seem crazy, but if I do this, it will allow me to do other things when I get off of work like maybe watch some tv or cook some dinner.

I am in Illinois this weekend seeing my grandma. She is doing a lot better than the last time I saw her. I am really happy. Her spirits are good.

I was able to see Rachel on Friday night and went to Portillos with her. It seems like it our thing. I am okay with it. I might get to see her again tonight before I leave for Philly. I know, I know, I should forget about her as many folks tell me, but I can't do it. Tomorrow is going to be a rough day but I'll manage.

Registration opens Feb 1st for the Chicago Marathon. I am really looking forward to signing up. I need to put in more miles and eat better than what I have been. I need to drink less. That would help.

I played wii with my sister last night. It was a blast. I love my sister so much and hanging out with her is more than awesome. She kept me up late last night but it was well worth it.

Overall, this weekend was beyond excellent. I was able to see my family. I also saw Rachel and got to have lunch with my friend Blake. I am going to book my next trip back really soon.

Later,

Bobby

Bloggin From the Hosptial

First of, I am not hospitalized, my grandma is.

So, I was pretty damn excited to come home for the holiday. Due to weather, I got up early last Tuesday and headed to the Philly airport to try to catch and earlier flight. I know it was a long shot but I figured with all the weather, I better try. I say the longest security line ever and had to go through a bunch of hoops, but I got on a 8am flight back to Chicago. I wasn't supposed to leave until 1:45pm. This in itself was a miracle.

I got home and took a taxi back to Buffalo Grove. Somehow, my car manage to start. Then I went and had lunch with Rachel, which was just fantastic. After lunch we went to Barnes n Noble where I proceeded to buy books. I like books.

Later in the day, I called my mom. She was crying and hung up on me. I knew then that it had to do with my grandma and it is probably game over for her. They did a lung biopsy but I don't need to know the results. When someone says "mass in lung" it means lung cancer. I'm just waiting for the results to know how long we have. She also needs a rod to be put in her hip because he hip is about to break.

I got this news the day before my birthday. One week before I am supposed to leave for California. Then to top it off, I got an angry phone call from Rachel. I tried sending her a surprise scrapbook but the person who was making it for me screwed it all up and didn't even finish it. She was pissed about how I sent a "random" package to her apt and it didn't even have her name on it. She had a right to be pissed. I really screwed this up. I didn't hear from her again until yesterday in an email. I'm an idiot.

On a more positive note, I did go to New York City the weekend before I left for Chicago. I had an awesome time. I saw a bunch of things including a comedy show where I never laughed so hard before. I can't wait until I go back.

So, hear I am. I have spent everyday at the hospital since Christmas Eve. Part of the reason is I want to be here when the news comes. Also, my grandma isn't completely with it all the time so I talk to the doctors to find out what is going on. My grandma still wants me to go to California so I am going, but I really don't want to leave her. Believe me, I want to go. this is a really tough deal.

I plan on coming back to Chicago every three weeks to see my grandma until she gets worse, then I'll come every weekend. It's going to be a financial drain but it's what I have to do. How could I not do it?

Other than all this, not much is going on. Grandma will be numero uno priority for awhile.

I hope everyone had a good Christmas and will have a safe New Year.

Later,

Bobby

The best of times, the worst of times

I don't know how to start the post so I'll just randomly blog today.

We'll start with the easiest, work:

Work has been going pretty good. I have been getting a lot of things done and really pounding away at things. Our new director of operations started Nov. 30. He actually interviewed me for my first job at Danaher. I am very pleased that he is here. He is damn smart and likes to stick to the basics like I do. He also likes nascar and racing like I do. We're going to get along at all kinds of levels. It's pretty awesome have someone here like him.

I have been wearing my work boots more than my dress shoes. We're consolidating buildings and I have spent a good portion of my time doing some physical labor and coordinating people.

Everyday after work, I go work out. I have spent anywhere from 90-120 minutes working out. I run (training for a marathon again). and then I lift and then I want to go back to my apartment. I go home, eat, shower, and go to bed. During the week there isn't time to do anything else.

The personal life hasn't been good at all. I thought I was doing good before I came home for Thanksgiving. I had a lot of fun at home and seeing everyone, but it was very difficult to get on the plane. I almost didn't get on it. I wanted to stay. All of my hesitation has to do with the relationships that I have formed that are now stretched 800 miles. It is really tough. I am very proud of Ross and I know exactly how he feels.

I no longer know what Rachel and I are. things happened over Thanksgiving but I am not worried about it. I can't control it. I have to focus on other things as well. I just hope that she gives me a day when I come home. I have already asked her for it and she didn't really give me a response. Girls are frustrating. Damn you ladies.

Oh, my Forrest Gump Blu-ray was stolen. After a month of dealing with the USPS, I emailed amazon and BAM, two days later I now have Forrest Gump waiting safely at Rachel's house. I didn't trust my mailman to deliver it a second time.

I don't know how people do this. They move to areas where they don't know a soul. I am in that position. It is pretty damn tough. I am hoping it gets better. I know I have to just get out there and do things and hopefully I'll meet some people. I want to find some friends outside of work. Don't get me wrong, I think these people are great, but I don't think it's right to get black out drunk with them. At least not yet.

Only 12 more days and I'll be on a plane for back home. I can't wait. It's going to be a good time. Better yet, it's going to be awesome when Ross, Eric, Lisa, and myself all go to Cali!!

So, that's what's going on. Basically, my heart still belongs to Rachel. I work and workout all the time. I need to find friends. I need to explore. I need to find a new place to live. I have to take it one step at a time. Life is not a math problem. There isn't one right answer and you can't google the answer, you can't calculate the solution. Maybe there isn't one.

I guess I should be grateful for the things I do have. I have a job, I have family, and I have a place to live. Most people would kill for my spot.

I post some pics of which I have in my cube and in my apartment. They remind me of the good times I had back home.

Philly Update

So it has been a little over two weeks since I have moved out to Philly. When I say moved, I mean I have been living in my suitcase.

So week 1 was spent in a hotel. This wasn't too bad. This biggest thing about it was that it was a bit pricey. So I decided to figure out how to save some money for both the company and me.

I did some hunting and figuring, which led me to sign a three month lease a place close to work. This is an unfurnished apartment. It's not bad considering the fact that I convinced my work to pay for 2 months of rent. I have been sleeping on the floor the past two weeks, but it will be worth it. I am bringing my stuff out here this weekend.

On November 2nd, my first day of work, I got to go to World Series Game 5. It was a pretty amazing thing. Somehow, my boss had tix and 4 of us total went. I had a great time and it is something I will always remember.

I work 12 hours a day now. I mean am busy at work for that long. There is a ton of work to do and I can't really get it done. I meet my deadlines, but still. I am not complaining. It goes by really fast. The only thing is I wish I could use some of that time for working out. I need to start running again. Since the new job, I haven't been doing too well on that front. I'll get back into the swing of things after Thanksgiving.

I sold my tire cutter. I am officially asset free. I don't have anything else. I am okay with that.

I don't have much else going on. I am flying home tomorrow...sister's b-day party on Saturday.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Later,

Bobby